Delightful Inheritance

Actively Trusting....

2010-03-22T21:56:00.011-04:00

I want to trust the Lord - with my future, with my life.. but I struggle with what that really means.. what's that look like? how do I do that? I'm a do-er.. I'm a Martha... so when I say I'm gonna trust the Lord with a situation I agonize about what that really looks like...

So I decided that in my current situation I wasn't going to just trust - I was going to ACTIVELY TRUST.. for whatever reason that made trust feel more purposeful, more DO-ing.. more, well, active! And it worked! After about a week on the market my house sold and I had a signed contract on a house I wanted to buy! It felt great! God is good! yeah! Hallelujah!

And then I found out the buyer of my house backed out due to issues with my current house.. so not only did I lose the sale of my house, I also lost the house I wanted to buy and was now facing potentially major bills... all of a sudden God didn't seem so, well... fabulous... it wasn't that He seemed bad, just kinda - well, not around, or unaware, or something.. and yet the stubborn, faith-filled part of me was determined to believe that God is ALWAYS good - not just when I am happy with the result - but ALL THE TIME. These are the times our faith is tested, and proved, and made our own. I awoke the next morning and the verse and song line "my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory" (Phil 4:19) played over and over in my heart... The Lord had given me peace. But as soon as others would ask about the situation I would start to complain, building up the bad parts (once a drama queen!!) and getting myself a bit more unhinged with each conversation... He gave me peace but I was giving it back! Oh why are our hearts so unfaithful?!? I determined I wasn't going to complain, but I was going to testify to my trust in God, my believe that He has a plan and that He will guide me.

Up and down.. one step forward, two steps back.... that conviction was on Saturday.. today is Monday and I'm needing to remind myself again Who is in control... it's not me.. As my Mom told me, this business of taking every thought captive is exhausting! And it's vitally important! I need to actively trust Him - trust that He will guide me.. trust that if I get it wrong but am really trying to do the right thing, I need to trust that He will fix it.. He's quite capable, and very creative... and amazingly He loves me... not sure why - I'm sure I drive Him crazy at times with all my analysis and questions, trying to figure out what He's up to.. trying to trace His path, anticipate where He's leading..

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
- Romans 11:33

so He reminds me that His paths are BEYOND tracing out, His judgments are unsearchable.. so I need to just rest and wait for His next prompting...

How refreshing! His yoke IS easy, and the burden He asks us to carry IS light! Let me not make it difficult and heavy, but only accept those things You would have me carry...

Thank you Lord!

The Gracious Hand of the Lord....

2009-02-13T23:55:00.011-05:00

I read the phrase and something about it just "clicked".

As a numbers-girl words aren't my first love, but there are times when particular collections of words fascinate me... and that's what happened about 10 days ago. I was reading the book of Ezra, and after coming across the phrase 5 times in chapters 7 and 8, I started to take notice. The phrase in the New Living Translation is "the gracious hand of the Lord".

I love the word gracious - it implies a gentleness, kindness and abundance. I started a mental list of the ways the Lord's gracious hand had been upon me in the past few weeks - the bubbling up of hope, the reemergence of my "old self", the Valentine's Day (week!) invitations I received, my boss's encouraging comments and extra time spent with my joyful "sparkly" 2 1/2 year old niece. I really lived this verse:

I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the Lord my God was on me.
- Ezra 7:28

Then this week happened.

Sunday night my Dad was rushed to the hospital.

While he's had CLL (Chronic lymphocytic leukemia) for 13.5 years, this past year the disease has become more aggressive (or his immune system has weakened). He had completed 4 of 6 rounds of chemo, but he was having trouble bouncing back - he was just so tired. When the ambulance arrived at my parents' house Dad's blood pressure was very low (80/50), and at the hospital his blood counts were at dangerous levels (no red blood cells, platelet count was 1). My mother and sister Carrie didn't leave the hospital until 5am Monday.

Monday was spent pulling the family together - my sister Chrissie drove to get our grandmother from a town about an hour away. Our sister Sarah flew in from Florida. We visited Dad in the hospital - he was in critical condition in intensive care (ICU).

And so I thought ok, my time of enjoyment of the Lord's graciousness is over...

and yet... it wasn't... the gracious hand of the Lord was evident even in the midst of this scary time... the medics who were so gentle taking Dad out of the house and into the ambulance.. due to calling 911, Dad was admitted more quickly than if we had brought him in ourselves - and he was taken to a different hospital, one that is closer than where he'd been going, and in better condition - and one that wasn't on their insurance but because it was an emergency it was covered - thank you Lord! The Lord even worked thru each of our employers who were flexible and gentle with me and my sisters.

Tuesday we were encouraged - he looked better, his blood pressure had stabilized, his counts were increasing, and they were planning to transfer him from the ICU to the oncology floor. So I went to a friend's "Valentine Girls Night In" party and had a wonderful time. I planned to go back to work on Wednesday.

Wednesday morning there was a call from the hospital at 5am - he had stopped breathing - they had to put him on a ventilator. We rushed over to see him - he wasn't responding - we didn't know if he could hear us, and they had to restrain his arms so he wouldn't pull the breathing tube out - it was heartbreaking. We met with lots of different doctors. Talked to palliative/hospice representatives. Looked over Dad's medical directives (living will). Scary stuff.

and still - the Lord's gracious hand remained upon us.. due to the seriousness of the situation the normal visiting hours didn't apply, so we were all able to be there together... we all had some individual time with Dad - not sure if he heard us but it was precious time.. the doctors who came to talk to us were attentive and spoke in words we could understand, even though they had no explantion for what caused Dad's downturn... one of the pastors from church spent hours with us in the waiting room - praying with and for us and with Dad... friends arrived just to sit with us and play with my niece... our cellphones worked and via texts and facebook we were able to communicate and get out the calls for prayer... and we even had a surprise visit from a pastor in a town about 3 hours away - it had been ~15 years since they lived in that town!

Thursday it appeared that Dad has stabilized - they were weaning him off the ventilator. After visiting him we went back to work. That evening I went to my women's Bible study where I was uplifted, prayed for and encouraged.

At this point we were most concerned about Dad's comfort - we wanted to get him home - to rearrange things at my parents' house to accommodate whatever he'd need, including nurses/medical help at home. The gracious hand of the Lord was gently guiding me thru a process of accepting that Dad might not get better. Had my father died Sunday night I would not have been ready - would have been too much of a shock.. but sitting down with doctors and his living will helped my mind get wrapped around this new concept.

Then the phone rang at 4am Friday - it was my Mom - the hospital had called and Dad's blood pressure was dropping, and if we wanted closure we should come in... so off we went - but when we got to the hospital we were told that he was already gone.

and yet, the Lord continues to be Faithful - His gracious hand is upon us even in our grief... the peace that passes understanding is upon us... we shifted into "task mode" as friends poured in to offer a shoulder to cry on, assistance, food and prayers.... people were contacted, funeral arrangements made, services planned, a remembrance website developed.. hard to believe this all happened today...

In my car on the way to a planning meeting at the funeral home I came across a cassette from 1996 where my father talked to college students about how to live as a Christian in the work world. It was comforting to hear his voice.. and precious to hear him describe his life's verse

Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
- Joshua 24:15

Yes, the gracious hand of the Lord continues to rest upon me and my family... because of the choice that my Dad made on 2-14-1978 to serve the Lord and accept Him (he liked to say that the Lord gave him a new heart on Valentine's Day!), we have hope that we'll see him again one day.. if not for the Lord, this grief would overwhelm and consume us... if not for the hope that this life is not all there is, how could we go on? But we have hope - so we imagine Dad dancing on the streets of gold - no longer hooked up to any tubes or monitors, no longer hindered by sickness, his booming trademark "Amen!" echoing down the streets, and picturing his delight at enjoying his favorite pastime - surf-casting (salt-water fishing) - and Peter showing him all the best spots..
now heaven seems more real - that much closer and more precious since my beloved "Poppy" is among those living in glory....

Bubbling Up...

2009-01-27T12:46:00.003-05:00

I felt it bubble up

as I sat at the restaurant Sunday night talking to two great friends...

it was subtle at first, I didn't even notice it...

but then it just popped up into my consciousness...

HOPE!

I felt hope and excitement and not dread of the future for the first time in months.

It felt great!

May the God of hope
fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,
so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit.
- Romans 15:13

I love that God is not only a God of love and joy and peace, but that He's also a God of HOPE...

Merriam-Webster defines hope in these ways:
: to cherish a desire with anticipation <hopes for a promotion>
: to desire with expectation of obtainment
: to expect with confidence : trust

To me hope isn't about anything changing in my circumstances - it's akin to faith, which Hebrews 11:1 defines as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Hope is an attitude of my heart - a belief that God has good things in store for me.

I knew these facts in my head, but Sunday night the truths reached my heart.

Finally!

Thank you Lord!

Error message

2009-01-05T18:58:00.004-05:00

I've been having problems with my computer lately - it won't shut down - keep getting this message "Unable to launch restart.exe".... as I sat at my desk closing the 20 instances of this error that had popped up and tried to coax my exhausted computer into shutting down I looked again at the error message and wondered if the message wasn't meant for me...

I feel stuck.. I feel like I'm unable to launch restart.. I am struggling with "starting over" - with creating or picking up my life again as a "single"... yes, I've always been single, but for about 18 glorious months I was part of a couple.... it was fun wondering what "we" we going to to next weekend.. where "we" were going to spend the holidays.. we went ring shopping (his idea!), we worked on projects to get each of our homes ready to sell, looked at open houses and talked about timing of when to get married, etc. I think that's why I was so stunned/blindsided when I learned that the man I was planning a future with was planning his future without me. I didn't see it coming. In fact, on that fateful day 10 weeks ago I thought he was going to propose... he suggested we go to a beautiful estate/garden, and as we sat on a bench overlooking a meadow on a bright October Sunday afternoon I thought for the first time that he was going to propose - and I was so happy because I was having a good hair day, and I recalled that I had my camera in my purse so I could take pictures - I was happy that it was such a beautiful day and if I couldn't get married on the last weekend of October then getting engaged on that weekend was the next best thing... needless to say things didn't work out as I had hoped...

So I'm finding the transition from "we" to "me" much harder than I thought it'd be. I keep saying to myself ok, it's been awhile, I should be over this by now... but I'm not...

To fix my computer I have ordered additional memory... not sure that's gonna work to fix my heart...

Ouch.

2008-10-27T09:33:00.008-04:00

Breakups hurt...

The initial pain, then the disbelief, then the shock...

I think I most dread all the questions... "how's your boyfriend?".... "are you really broken up?"... "what happened?"... Sometimes you are ready for the questions and are relieved for the chance to talk... but other times you're not ready - can't talk about it... and that's when it hits you all over again..

The tasks of breaking up: clean out calendar, put away/change pictures, change Facebook profile, delete speed-dial, put away jewelry/gifts, think - what is at his house that I need to get back, do I have anything of his? and what about his family - do you say anything to them?

It's much harder to clean out your hopes and dreams calendar, and to stop the slide shows of pictures in your heart..

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. - Isaiah 54:10

I'm so grateful to have a relationship with Someone that will never end....

It's at times like this that the song "Blessed Be Your Name" runs through my head... God is good all the time, not just when things work out the way I want.. I need to remember to run to Him - to bless Him...

Blessed be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your Name

Blessed be Your Name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your Name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your Name

Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be Your Name

Bless the Lord because it focuses your mind on Him.. yes your heart can be broken, but you want it to be safe.. and the safest place on earth is in His hands...

Off the Hook

2008-08-07T10:58:00.007-04:00

This week my sister has been in meetings during the day and having some work dinners in the evening. This has been very inconvenient to me as we are (ok, I am) trying to book our "quarantine cruise." (Back in November we went on a cruise as a family and Chrissie and I got sick and were quarantined in our cabin for 2 days - couldn't leave the room for 48 hours! - so we have a credit from the cruise line which has to be used by 1/8/09 - thus the reason for the push to a decision!).

Isn't it funny how the more we can't reach someone, the more urgent our "need" to talk to them becomes? I became obsessed with all these things I needed to talk to her about. Even today she's on IM, but is in meetings, so she can't really carry on a conversation.. blast it, when will she be back at my beck-and-call!??! :) Gee, when did I get so demanding and needy?

This makes me grateful that there is One who never takes His phone off the hook - One who is always available, always has time for me, and who loves me far beyond what I can even appreciate. But am I seeking Him out? Am I dialing His number?

Call to Me
and I will answer you
and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
- Jeremiah 33:3

and call upon Me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you will honor Me.
- Psalm 50:15

Oh that I would call Him, more often and first... He is worthy of all praise and honor, and yet He delights to incline His ear to His children. Last night my dear boyfriend called and was telling me of someone close to him that needs prayer. He suggested that we pray for them when we get together again - but I said hey, why don't we pray now, on the phone - so we did. Why put off tomorrow what we can do today? And are our prayers any less effective over the phone? No, nor are they more effective if made in a church from a kneeler with eyes closed or from behind the wheel of a car careening down the highway. No, what the Lord cares about is the attitude of our hearts.

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
- James 5:16b

Remember, we just bring the request to the feet of Him who is able to do all things. He is the One who can do something about it...

.. amazing.. amazing grace.

Expectations

2008-07-25T08:55:00.010-04:00

Main Entry: ex·pect

Pronunciation:: \ik-ˈspekt\
Function:: verb
Etymology:: Latin exspectare to look forward to, from ex- + spectare to look at, frequentative of specere to look
Date:: 1560

Expectations.. they can be good things, motivating you towards a goal or giving you something to look forward to:

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.
- Psalm 5:3

or if they are too high or are unmet they can strangle you, or at least me...

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
- Proverbs 13:12a

I think the key is understanding WHO you are expecting something of, and WHAT are you expecting.. is the person someone who cares about you? are they trustworthy? I have to keep in mind that even my best friends or closest family members can "fail" to deliver an expectation - because we're human... even with the best of intentions we hurt each other - we don't mean to, but there are limits to our abilities to fully understand one another and fulfill one another's needs/expectations. I think God designed it that way, so that we wouldn't rely on other people but on Him who is perfect, whose love for us is steadfast and who never fails. The "what" part of expectations can "get" you too - remember the telephone game you used to play as a kid? - one person whispers a phrase to another and at the end of the line the phrase is completely different - that happens with just 2 people - or even with me and God!! I can be sure that God has promised "X" to me - but His definition of X is different than mine - I mean, look at how He sees time:

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:
With the Lord a day is like a thousand years,
and a thousand years are like a day.
- 2 Peter 3:8

So it's completely normal and natural that we'd have these blunders.. as a wise person said it's not about what happens to you, it's how you react to what's happened.. the whole "if life hands you lemons, make lemonade" argument.. and it's got some merit..

In the past 2 days I have been on both sides of failed expectations and neither feels good.. I hate knowing I hurt/let someone down, and I hate feeling deflated and pouty when something doesn't go my way. Wednesday when I learned I had hurt a dear friend I just wanted to go talk to her, to make it better.. but she's not ready yet.. and then yesterday another dear one told me something that hurt/disappointed me and I am having a hard time "getting over it".. I'm trying to reconfigure things in my mind, to focus on what's important -to keep the person and the relationship first and let the things/expectations go - but it's excruciatingly difficult - this mind of ours - it's a battlefield...

So my new tactic is to hold onto things loosely.. to keep my hands open - so that God is free to place something into my hands or take things out, as He wills.. if I'm holding onto something too tightly then when He tries to take something out it hurts - my fingers get crunched.. plus, more can fit into hands that are open versus clenched...so if I'd just keep my hands open, then I am free to receive His blessings.. and His are the best kind of blessings anyway..

Here's a poem I found with the open hands picture that I Googled - I don't know who authored it, but it's good!

I approach life with open hands.
I am ready for whatever may be placed into them.
I can not grasp or hold the things that are placed there.
I will not expect precious things to remain in my hands.
I will be grateful while these things are in my care.
I will not miss the pieces of life that never find their way into my hands.
I will allow even the things I have longed, wished and hoped for to leave my hands.
I will let go of expectation.
More can fit into my open hand than my clenched fist.

so here's to open hands...

and no expectations....

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
- James 1:17

Tweets, Blogs and the Future

2008-06-18T15:27:00.003-04:00

Blogs are out.

This is according to my sister. Last week she was in western Canada at a work conference and a "futurist" gave a lecture on trends to watch. One trend was that "twittering" is in, blogs are on the way out. "Tweets" are 140 or less characters giving a quick update of what you are doing, looking for, thinking, etc... sounds a lot like the status updates on facebook/myspace, doesn't it?

So does this mean that the next generation (or us in the future) won't even have the attention span to read/write a whole blog entry - that the most our poor flabby underused brains can handle are 140 characters? How sad.

And how typical. Just when I get something up and running it's not "in" anymore.

Well, I have a facebook account and I do find myself updating my status from time to time (ok, a lot!). And once I realized I could update it via text message I found myself feeling the need/urge to update my status while I was traveling.. "Jennifer is at the airport".. "Jennifer is sad her flight is delayed".. "Jennifer is sitting by the pool"... what's the purpose of this? What's the message I'm trying to communicate? Do I think I'm connecting with others by letting them know what I'm doing each moment of the day? Am I looking/hoping for a response? These "friends" of mine have gotten by for years without knowing what I am doing each and every minute - what's changed?

This makes me glad that God doesn't change:

I the LORD do not change.
So you, O descendants of Jacob, are not destroyed.
- Malachi 3:6

I am infinitely grateful for a God who is always ready to hear from me, who is always interested in what I'm doing. I'm glad the Lord doesn't follow trends or fads. And since He knows the past, present and future there is nothing that surprises Him. He even knows what's "next" after twittering...

So if you want to know what I'm doing check my facebook.. if you want to know who is checking on you just talk to Him - He's always got your status!

Over the Hill

2008-06-06T15:50:00.015-04:00

For someone who dreaded turning 30, I am proud to say that turning 40 was great. The week was full of celebrations - my "pizza lunch girls" took me out to the swanky pizza place in town and gave me all sorts of fun, uplifting and encouraging cards... Greg and I flew down to the Gulf Coast of Florida and had a fantastic long weekend of fun in the sun (without getting sunburned!) - and he gave me a gorgeous amethyst necklace! And when I got back in the office some of my co-workers had decorated my office with all sorts of fun stuff - flowers, "40" confetti, lollipops that say "40 Sucks!" and "Over The Hill" black crepe paper.... what fun.

Last night as I was flipping thru the channels (ok, the TiVo suggestions) I was struck by something I heard a woman preacher say about time - how God had ordained for us to live 3 score and 10 (=70) years, and that many of us have more years behind us than in front of us.. So I guess that's what "The Hill" refers to when someone says you're "Over The Hill"... It's strange to think that I have already lived half my life already - kinda glad I didn't realize that milestone had happened at 35! But whatever the number of years, the idea of my own mortality and the need to make the most of my remaining time is pretty sobering. This can bring up all sorts of questions about how to use your time, life purposes, leaving a legacy, the meaning of life...

sigh..

.... I look up and my eye falls on the picture framed above my desk.. it's a painting of flowers in a basket with script behind it.. the script is the words of the 23rd Psalm....

The places mentioned are "green pastures," "quiet waters," "paths of righteousness," and "the valley of the shadow of death".. yes, that last one sounds serious, but the others aren't especially holy or purposeful spots... in fact the pastures and waters seem kinda relaxing.. there doesn't seem to be room for questions there.. why? I think it's because of the line that says "He guides me in paths of righteousness".. the idea of God leading/directing is one that gives me great peace.

So, what do I do with all the questions about the rest of my life? I'm taking them to the feet of the Creator of the Universe, to the One who has a plan for my life, for how to use me in accomplishing His purposes, and how to communicate with me in a way I can understand - how amazing is that! And the direction for tonite? I'm getting together with some friends and we're going to a few art exhibits and have dinner... how lovely - I certainly agree that these are pleasant places:

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
- Psalm 16:6

Thanks God!

5K!

2008-04-21T10:57:00.007-04:00

I ran (and walked) a 5K on Saturday. A few months ago I planned for this event - I made up a calendar chart (oooh I so LOVE a good chart with pictures all nice and neat!) with my training plan - what I needed to run each week, culminating in being able to run for 30 minutes. It was a doable plan, and I was quite proud of myself because in addition to planning for this 5K I was also planning to turn 40. Rather than being anxious about the big four-O I decided that I wanted to have run 3 races in my 30s - this was one of the last weekends to get that all-important 3rd race in - I also talked it up with all my friends and family, so I had to do it to save face! Week after week I did my best to stay on my training plan - even running while I was down in FL for Sarah's wedding. I had my favorite verses in mind:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
- Hebrews 12:1-2

I love this passage for a number of reasons:

A great cloud of witnesses - this gets me pumped up because I think of people in a stadium watching and cheering me on.. they want me to succeed - they have finished their races and now they are helping me finish mine... I believe these witnesses are those already in heaven, the faithful ones who have lived their lives for Jesus and are now awaiting the finale - when Jesus returns to earth to gather up His bride, and then we have the wedding feast of the Lamb... ooohh how exciting!
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles - can't you just see someone running and casting off chains and heavy belts and then feeling so free?!? the chains and shackles were hindering the person, they couldn't take a big step - but once they threw off those things then they were free to run in perfect stride - and they felt so light and.. free! I also love the description of the sin that so easily entangles - like a vine - starts small at first and kinda looks pretty, but before you know it that vine is wrapped around your neck and starting to choke you.. so cut that vine and be done with it!
run with perseverance the race marked out for us - "run" - don't walk.. "with perseverance" - it's gonna be tough, but hang in there - keep running - you may have to slow your pace, but keep going.. "the race marked out for us" - there was forethought - it isn't a surprise to God what we are going thru - He set up the course - He set the boundaries - He has rest stops and water startions and cheerleaders for us along the way. And He knows that we can do it - He marked out a race for us that He knew we could finish.. He didn't set us up to fail, but to succeed - to WIN!
fix our eyes on Jesus - my training plan has been time-based, so I have been fixing my eyes on my watch - how many minutes have I been running, how long til I can stop and walk a bit... they say you should fixate on something in the distance - say I am going to run to that tree - helps you to have a reference point.. Jesus is that to us - remembering who He Is, what He did and how much He loves us... nothing better to fix our eyes on that Him!

While I wasn't able to run the race without stopping to walk, I did cross the finish line. I trained, and showed up on race day. And I got that 3rd 5K completed in my 30s... Good for me! I'll bet that great cloud of witnesses was rooting for me - wonder if they did "the wave"? :)

Bunny!

2008-04-15T11:46:00.012-04:00

I got an e-mail from my Mom today that said yesterday was the date I was due to arrive, and back in 1968 it was Easter - she said "aren't you glad you didn't arrive then? We'd have nicknamed you Bunny!"

Well yes, I am glad I wasn't born then. As an accountant to have a birthday right around Tax Day would be a bummer - would either be too busy to celebrate with work or doing my own taxes - and I love my end of the month date that allows me to savor the whole month in anticipation of my birthday. And isn't anticipation the best part of anything anyway?

Just in case you haven't done the arithmetic, yes, I am about to turn 40... in less than 2 weeks!! And I am so proud of myself that I am not freaking out! When I turned 30 I worried and obsessed for half of my 28th year and all of 29 - but then when 30 came it was great - at the time my friend Laura threw me a surprise party, I got voicemails and e-mails from friends and collegues all over the world, and I discovered that life didn't end at 30 and in fact it was pretty good!

In my 30s I got to know myself better -

I picked up the flute which I hadn't played since college and discovered I'm good at it and I love it! I've been playing in my church band for years now and find it's an outlet for me to worship God.
I traveled to Europe a lot - on business trips and personal. I found a love for exploring cities and was totally content doing that all by myself! I drove in England on the left side of the road! I gazed at masterpieces in the Louvre, climbed mountains in Lucerne and attended church in Geneva. I also explored Scotland with my sister Chrissie and went on a fantastic Italian adventure with Laura.
I went on 2 missions trips.
I tutored inner-city kids.
I worked with junior-high kids at church and realized it wasn't my forte.
I moved to North Carolina and back, surviving 3 hurricanes, the last of which flooded my house.
I ran two 5Ks.
I went on dates (great story potential here!).
I lived with each of my sisters, and alone.
I bought and sold 2 houses.
I started realizing what I was good at and began the process of accepting those things that I wasn't.
I grew closer to the Lord as I saw that whatever happened, He is the only One I have. He is the only One who is always there. And He is always faithful.

My friend Becky who shares my birth-year (but she's months younger) told me she started getting MORE magazine which is for women over 40 - I thought that was so cool! So I have picked up a few issues.. and I recently watched an episode of Oprah where she said that your 40s, 50s and 60s can be the BEST years of your life! She had blurbs from some over-40 Hollywood women and interviews with "regular" women who had totally changed their lives in mid-life - found new energy, started companies in entirely different fields, traveled, gave back to their communities... I found the show so uplifting, so exciting, so inspiring - I felt the need to figure out how I was going to mark this momentous occasion of turning 40... and in my typical over-the-top fashion, this "need" blossomed into an obsession! Poor Greg and my sisters kept hearing all these ideas I had - from going 4-wheeling to skydiving to jetting off somewhere exotic to a weekend at the beach to throwing a big party.. it's been exhausting!

But I am happy to say that I have figured it all out - the picture in my mind of how I want to celebrate my big day is to be sitting on the beach in a bikini with an umbrella-topped frozen drink. So my sweet Greg has agreed to fly down with me to the Gulf-coast of Florida for a long weekend of sun. And yes, you did read that right, a bikini! I think that is the most deliciously fun part of the whole picture, because you see, I do not have a bikini body. Truth be told, I really don't have a bathing-suit body (but how gracious of the Lord to give me a boyfriend who thinks I'm perfect!), but I do manage to squeeze myself into an appropriately black suit now and again when I want to swim. So this past weekend after about 45 minutes in a swimsuit store with the most patient and helpful saleswoman, I walked out with my first bikini since I was 6! I felt on top of the world! For me the idea oozes fun and confidence - which I am hoping will fill my 40s and beyond.

Of course I still have my pride and self-respect, so I'll only be wearing this bikini on faraway beaches when the likelihood of running into anyone I know is remote.

I'm going to be 40, not a fool! :)

Covenant of Peace

2008-04-08T15:19:00.012-04:00

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
- Isaiah 54:10

It feels as if some mountains in my family were shaken this past month with my Dad's health issues and not being able to attend my sister's wedding. However, the LORD has been faithful - He has not forgotten us and done some pretty remarkable things...

Two weeks before the wedding Sarah and Mike were able to fly up for a quick overnight trip to visit/pray with Dad. While in town she installed Skype on Dad's computer so he could watch the wedding in case he couldn't make the trip.

Tuesday before the wedding the doorbell rings at my parents' home and Donna Lee is standing there - she was in their small group Bible study in new england (and is still there - my folks relocated last spring)... without invitation or consultation she took it upon herself to fly here, rent a car and book a hotel room for a few nights.. she simply said "I am here to pray!" What an extravagant display of God's love - for my Dad to see people reaching out to him, and for my Mom to have a buddy for a few days uphold her and just run errands with. Truly an amazing friend!

During Donna Lee's visit a plan beings to unfold where Mom will fly down to Florida the morning of the wedding and leave the next day - and Donna Lee will send her dear husband Phil to stay with Dad. Phil is very low-key and a perfect companion for my father.

The flight down with Nana and Elizabeth went smoothly - Greg was soo helpful! I saw during this trip how much he calms me down and what a wonderful man he is - he loves me and my family so beautifully! He was truly a gift to me during this trip.

Sarah orders a boutonniere for Dad - it is delivered on her wedding day - he proudly pins it to his sweatshirt and wears it all day.

Charlie, a friend of my sisters Sarah and Carrie who is gifted with techie-skills, comes over the day of the wedding to set up the computer to view the webcast.. he stays with Dad during the entire ceremony and when the feed is lost he quickly gets it back again - a real God-send! So Dad is able to watch the ceremony live from his computer - he and Phil and Charlie, crowded around the laptop screen.. what a picture!

Sarah calls Dad on her cell phone before the ceremony starts, then puts the phone on speaker and holds it with her bouquet. At the end of the aisle Mom jumps up and stands beside her... when the officiant asks who gives this woman to be married they put the microphone up to Sarah's cell and Dad said "her mother and I do".. so Dad got to say his line and be a part of the festivities.

The wedding and reception were beautiful and joyous and wonderful! The weather was perfect for Sarah's outdoor ceremony - a bit windy - I think the Unity Candle blew out! But it was a bright, sunny, beautiful evening. Sarah was an amazingly beautiful bride - she just glowed - and we were able to just kick back and enjoy the evening - they even did a special tribute to Nana, singing Happy Birthday to the new 90-year-old. So I think Sarah felt properly honored and celebrated.

Everyone arrived home from Florida - there were some hiccups with flight delays, baby-meltdowns and being locked out of the house, but all in all we made it back safely.

Two days after the wedding Dad goes back into the hospital. The Lord even worked the timing - Dad's doctor started the hospital admittance process early afternoon - but there wasn't a bed available so they went home to pack and wait for the call - when it came in about 8pm I was able to go with them (the hospital is in the center of the city) and there was a big sporting event that night that we could have gotten caught in traffic - but His timing was perfect so we sailed on by! The admitting doctor was the same one Dad had before, so it was good to see him again. They ran some tests, keeping him in the hospital until Saturday afternoon.

Sunday afternoon my Mom says that their good friends Dottie and Herb just dropped by - they live about 4 hours away! They just popped in to check on Dad and pray for him.. what a wealth of friendships!

So while things are still uncertain regarding my Dad's health - the doctors think the issue is a pneumonia-based infection, but they aren't sure - one thing is certain and that is that whatever happens, the Lord has not forgotten us.. He has compassion on us and loves us.. and for now that's enough.

March Update...

2008-04-04T22:03:00.008-04:00

I joined Facebook last month.. well, I HAD to - my sisters and MOTHER had already joined - I had to rush to beat 90-year old Nana!... ok, she's not on Facebook (that I know of!) but with all the other sisters and Mom on Facebook I caved to the pressure.. anyway, now that I'm on this FB thing I'm so confused - what do I post here and what on FB? Should I switch to just facebook and abandon my blog? This has me questioning the purposes for everything.. sigh.. and just when I thought I had a few things figured out.

I also haven't been blogging lately because of 2 family events:

One is that we had the first wedding in our family this week! My sister Sarah married Mike this week down in Florida - she was a radiant bride - the ceremony was lovely and the reception lots of fun. Amazing how quickly the reception goes - I never got a chance to talk to Sarah after the wedding, so other than the staged pics from the photographer I don't have a picture of me with her in her gorgeous gown... probably best to just enjoy this pic of the happy couple - don't need to see a silly sunburned bridesmaid when you can see a beautiful blushing bride! :)

The other family event is that my dad is having lots of health problems.. the poor guy hasn't been feeling well since after Christmas - he's been on 5 antiboitics since then, went into the hospital in mid-February where they ruled out tuberculous but he may have picked up the flu (or gotten it on his own), and in the week before Sarah's wedding he was told by the doctor that he wasn't well enough to travel, so he couldn't go.. very sad.. he's back in the hospital - hoping to come home tomorrow -they are doing lots of test because they don't know what the problem is - but he's lost about 50 pounds in 6 weeks and is tired and weak.. it's scary and frustrating when there is just nothing you can do... but pray...

So if you think of my dad, please pray for identification of the problems and healing!

Thanks!

Handwriting

2008-02-19T17:28:00.006-05:00

I got a gift from Brenda the other day - a belated Christmas, nice-to-see you, thanks for supporting me gift from one of my favorite missionaries and one of the top-10 people in the world - seriously, she's that cool - one of the top 10 in the world (and probably one of the only readers of my blog, so hey, I gotta love her!).. anyway, she had some fun little things in the gift-bag, but as I was typing my "thanks for giving me this" e-mail I realized what I loved most was the card, because she had written me a note on it and I love her handwriting. It's curvy, neat, feminine, symmetrical and makes me smile - she has happy handwriting and it reminds me of her. She makes a flower over some letters, but not in a high-school Tiffani with a heart over the "i" annoying kind of way, but in a nice, "Brenda likes to make things pretty" kind of way...

This got me to thinking about how much we have lost in our quest for speed and "continuous improvement". Handwritten cards and notes are the exception now, not the rule.. e-mail and text messages are the communication channels of choice. And for the most part I agree. But an e-mail message just doesn't look as pretty in a scrapbook.. and you can't fold a text message up in your pocket.. Even when I do send letters/notes, for the most part I buy a Hallmark card that someone else has penned... oh, I add a little note at the bottom, but the main part of the card is printed.

For Valentine's Day Greg surprised me with the flower delivery to work on Monday (see picture in the post below), but he also sent me Valentines in the mail - every day for 4 days - and I loved them! They were silly and sweet but he had written little comments on them that made me smile and fall a little bit more in love with him (he even covered the envelopes with little heart stickers.. so sweet!!). I loved reading his little notes partly because I enjoy seeing how her wrote them - his handwriting.

What is it that is so special about handwriting? Everyone's is different. It says something about you. Handwriting analysts would say that it gives clues as to the personality of the writer. In this automatic, one-size-fits-all culture the act of sitting down and writing to one person is very deliberate and honoring. When I think of "real" handwriting I think of someone with a quill and ink scratching out really important words on parchment - the Magna Carte, Shakespeare writing a play, or an ancient scribe writing the Scriptures on a scroll. I can almost hear the pen tip scratch the surface of the paper...

There are a few letters/cards that I have kept over the years - letters from my dad when he was out at sea with the navy, notes from my mom encouraging me after I had moved away, love letters from old boyfriends, and correspondence from dear friends affirming me. It's fun to pull them out from time to time and be reminded that yes, there are some people on the planet who think I'm ok, or even fabulous! And even though they aren't written by His hand, the Bible is the collection of God's letters to us - His love letters, His little notes to encourage and inspire us, His reminders that He thinks we're fabulous. I've been keeping a prayer journal for over 10 years now and it is fun to go back and see how God was using a verse or situation to teach me - when I see His word in my handwriting it becomes more a part of me... when I pray a verse or claim a promise, His words back to Him - then the verse becomes more alive and real to me.

What's God been writing to you lately? Are you reading His letters? I'll bet there is something fabulous waiting for you!

Week of Love!

2008-02-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

Well, this is a special week.. yesterday, February 10th marked the one-year anniversary of the first date that Greg and I went out on, and this Thursday is Valentine's Day..

To celebrate the latter Greg is taking me to the Country Club where they are having a special Valentine's Day Dinner!

To celebrate the former we went out for a lovely brunch yesterday after church, and for dinner Greg prepared a fabulous steak dinner which he served me beside the fire while watching a romantic comedy.. (well, the movie was a bit of a bust, we turned it off after about 30 minutes, it was a bit raunchy.. poor Greg, he is getting a reputation for picking out not the best movies!). I gave him 4 framed pictures of us - (from 2nd qtr picture of us in Chincoteague VA, from 3rd qtr pic of us in Arizona, 4th qtr pic of us in NYC, and from 1st qtr a pic of us from Saturday). Last month when we were shopping for frames I said I wanted to get "love" frame and he rolled his eyes saying oh geez.. so of course I HAD to give him not one but two love frames!!! (the other 2 pics are in nice "normal" frames!)... he has bravely brought one of the "love" framed pics into his office.. can't wait to hear how his coworkers respond!

Today he surprised me with a delivery of my favorite flowers - lillies - to my office! Aren't they beautiful!?!?! The card reads "Be My Valentine, Love Greg".... awww... so sweet! When I called him to thank him for the lovely delivery he even alluded to yet more deliveries this week... hmm... what's that about?!?! Stay tuned! :)

My Beautiful Sister and Her Beloved

2008-02-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

My sister Sarah is the first of us to get married - and her big day is coming up next month!!! She just sent us a "peak" at her engagement pictures and they are sooooo adorable! Sarah is a real beauty and Mike is a cutie, so together they are just the most picture perfect couple! They are going to have some beautiful kids, aren't they!?!

http://brockmans.org/web/photography/

I am so excited for Sarah, but it also marks a change in our family structure.. this past Christmas was different in that we had little Elizabeth around, so we had to shuffle things to fit better into her schedule... just before Christmas I was down in North Carolina with Greg's family, and Sarah flew out to Ohio after Christmas to meet all of Mike's family.... so we are about to embark into the uncharted waters of extended family....

I think we all knew how precious and fragile our time as just a nuclear family was - which is why we made sure we went on that cruise over Thanksgiving together, and why my parents relocated from new england to here last year, and why we all made Tuesday family dinners at Mom and Dad's a priority. I cherish my parents and sisters and am so grateful for each one, and it's such a blessing that we like one another and enjoy spending time together. Now there is this strange new thing happening - there are BOYS in our family now! Will they change the way we relate? Will they leave the toilet seat up (forbid it!) or make lots of sports analogies, or do other things to disrupt our little eco-system? Probably. Change happens.. doesn't mean it's bad, it's just different. And that's ok... the old saying "make new friends but keep the old" is true for family too - welcome the new ones but keep your relationships with the "old" ones also...

so I'll be flexible..

I'll welcome and cherish..

I'll embrace and relinquish...

and I'll check the toilet seat before sitting down!

Wednesdays with Elizabeth!

2008-02-05T11:05:00.000-05:00

I am sooo excited! My sister Chrissie has graciously agreed to let me have Wednesdays with my fabulous niece Elizabeth - so I'll be picking her up from daycare (hope to leave work by 4) and then do something fun with her, feed her dinner, bathe and put her to bed! Nice that she goes to bed so early (by like 6:30!) because then as long as Chrissie is back I can pop over to small group at 7pm... I am excited about this for a number of reasons:

#1 - to have a "regular" time to spend with Elizabeth - to create memories, establish an ongoing relationship with her
#2 - to help Chrissie out, give her a "night off" and a time to run errands, get her hair done, whatever,
#3 - it fits nicely in my schedule - makes me leave work at a specific time and I can still do my "evening" activity.

As a planner it gives me great joy to be able to accomplish TWO things in one night! :)

My best friend Laura is a great role model to me in the way she makes spending time with her nieces and nephew a priority. She sets up times with them - when they were little she'd take one on a Saturday and they'd do fun stuff, spend the night and go to church with her in the morning.. as they got older rather than getting them a birthday present she'd plan day-trips with them - take them skiing, or to New York or Washington DC just the 2 of them - lets them experience something new and gives them adventures together... with one niece she'd take Fridays off work and spend the day with her and another of her friends who is a stay-at-home mom, and they would take the kids together and go to the pool, play tennis, check out a nearby event... for the past ~5-10 years her Christmas present to them has been to take them on vacation along with her parents - this gives the grandparents special time with the grandkids, and they have been some amazing places - western Canada, lakes in NY and new england, renting a house on the Chesapeake... for her eldest niece's high school graduation she took her to Europe for a week!

So I am starting out small - just a few hours on a Wednesday evening.. who knows - perhaps for Elizabeth's high school graduation we'll be jetting off to the moon for a weekend!?!? :)

A Must-See Christmas Movie

2007-12-12T10:58:00.000-05:00

I just watched "The Nativity Story" last night.. wow, it was fabulous! If you haven't seen it then I encourage you - check it out! It is the story of Mary and Joseph in the two years before Jesus' birth. They did a great job keeping to the text and was historically accurate. It really makes the whole story come alive... My sister Carrie found it and kept saying wow this is an excellent history-teacher! So go watch it! It's on HBO thru December (and on Comcast's On-Demand for HBO), and I'm sure it's available at video rental places
http://www.newline.com/properties/nativitystorythe.html

I'm Getting A Brother!

2007-12-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

Being the eldest of 4 girls I always wanted a brother.. with each pregnancy we'd wonder would this be when we get a brother? And since my dad's name is Ernie and we were brought up on Sesame Street we always thought if there was a boy that naturally he'd be named Bert! :) (for some reason Dad never got as much of a kick out of that as we did!).

So it is with great excitement that I announce I'll be getting a brother.. no, my parents aren't having a child - my sister Sarah is going to marry Mike, so he'll become our brother (in-law)... She was down in Orlando over the weekend and he proposed at sunset (after they had watched sunrise on the east coast of Florida, gone ice skating in Orlando and sunset on the west!) and she said yes! Get this - in his proposal he said the day captured what he hoped for: to spend sunrises and sunsets with her and to live through seasons of warmth and sand and seasons of cold and snow and ice - wow, what a cool thoughtful guy! So yeah! They are planning an end of March wedding in Orlando.

We really like Mike, and just hope he realizes that not only is he getting a wife but 3 sisters as well! This is going to be fun!

Anticipation and Advent

2007-12-08T17:40:00.001-05:00

What is it about Christmas that is so fabulous? The Christian answer is Jesus, of course (interesting how He is the answer to just about everything!!)... to the average American it's about Santa Claus, gifts and a season of being with family and friends - of snow and carols.

One of my friends is great about celebrating Advent. I wish I did. I wish I had an advent wreath that I lit every week as a reminder of the 4 weeks before Christmas. Because I think it's the anticipation, the excitement before the event that makes Christmas. I mean you know you're going to be happy on Christmas Day, but then there's that let down, the "rats it's over" time right afterwards when it's time to take the tree down, put the decorations away, and get on with real life.

My birthday falls at the end of the month and I have sort of declared the entire month of April as my "birthday month". I love it when holidays and special events happen at the end of the month because it gives me all month to look forward to it. The 4th of July always catches me by surprise because I never think about it until July and then it's the 4th already! I love it that Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and Christmas both happen at the end of their months, and that they are back to back - so then in my mind the holidays start Nov 1.

I think anticipation is a gift. But in our culture we're always in a hurry and we don't anticipate. We rush. We hurry. We (I!) speed. We fly through life instead of just relaxing and enjoying it. We take short-cuts to get what we want, when we want it.

So this Christmas season, before the 2nd advent-wreath candle is lit, I am going to make a stand.

This will be the Christmas that I revel in anticipation.

That I enjoy the waiting,
without having.

Because I am not waiting in vain. The One I hope in is faithful. He will come through - He will deliver. When we anticipate something that God has promised, there isn't the let-down when it happens... because with Him the anticipation is not as good as the real thing!! It's not like microwave popcorn that smells better than it tastes (especially since I eat the 97% fat free kind!). No! The Lord God is all-mighty. All powerful. He created sunrises to color the sky in brilliant colors before the sunlight shatters the darkness. And He loves it when we trust Him. When we believe that He will come through for us.

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished! - Luke 1:45

May you believe and be blessed.

Christmastime in New York!

2007-12-03T16:07:00.000-05:00

Greg and I took Friday off work and headed up to New York City for a fabulous weekend of getting in the holiday spirit. I was shocked to learn that he had never been to NYC over the holidays... I have been blessed to be able to travel a lot and have enjoyed seeing how different cities "dress up" for Christmas - Paris is gorgeous, Geneva Switzerland is beautiful, Budapest has a cool holiday market, but New York just seems the most quintessential Christmas city to me.. perhaps it's all the movies and TV shows - but something about standing in Rockefeller Center and looking up at that big ole tree and seeing the ice skaters swishing along below.. sigh... it's magical!

We had a fun mix of different activities - Friday we walked A LOT around Midtown, just enjoying the sights and sounds. We had lunch and walked through MoMA (the Museum of Modern Art). Greg is more of a fine arts vs. modern arts fan, so as he said if it wasn't for the Impressionists paintings it would have been waste of time! Now yes, there are some strange things called art, but it was interesting to play the game - which in this room would you want to hang on your wall.. some rooms were harder than others! We stumbled upon a cool Italian wine bar/restaurant by Columbus Circle that had a cozy wood-paneled bar area where we enjoyed wine and hot cocoa (can you guess who had what?!?!). Then we went to Time Square Church for their Friday evening service. Unbeknownst to me the normal service had been replaced with a Young Adult service (I think it had started in the past month) - so us over 30s were ushered upstairs - which was fine. The service was amazing! We loved the worship - the music was loud, the songs high energy and the heartfelt passion on the multitude of different colored faces in the building was beautiful. They did a drama and the sermon was inspiring. Thankfully they did about a half hour of worship after the service, but when they finally ended we were like no we don't want to leave... Greg said to me wow, that was great - we HAVE to come back here again! Yeah God! Thanks! So if you're in NYC make sure you check out services at Times Square Church, or Brooklyn Tabernacle, or Redeemer - there are a number of really cool churches in the area that will bless your socks off!

One of the most exciting parts of our whole weekend was going to dinner - at 10:30pm! Greg was all bummed that we didn't get a picture of the clock as we were leaving for dinner! I was all excited because we changed - I got to get all dressed up for dinner - like being on the cruise! We walked to a little Italian restaurant just a block from the hotel, and were tickled when we saw that they had live music - some soft jazz with a big ole bass and a few other instruments - very cool! The picture of us at the table was taken after dinner - it was 12:30am!

On Saturday we went over to Tavern on the Green to see if we could have breakfast - let me tell you, that is one place you don't just walk-in without a reservation - oh well!.. so we left and headed west, enjoying a stroll through Central Park.. there was a race going on - perhaps a 5K or 10K, so it was fun seeing the runners go by - and others were out exercising, walking their dogs, or just enjoying the beautiful day... I was especially pleased to see so many leaves still on the trees - and delighted when a breeze blew some of them off - looked like confetti! We were headed to the Frick Museum, which is a museum in Mr Frick's home that was built in the 1910s - what an amazing house complete with an atrium! The art collection was extensive with a wide variety of things, but I just enjoyed looking at the house - some rooms reminded me of Versailles (smaller, of course!). Then we walked down Madison Avenue gawking at the high-end stores and wondering who in the world shops there on a regular basis... realizing we were out of our element we jumped on the subway and headed to Macy's where I wanted to do some shopping. Greg was gracious enough to find something to do, things to look at, and after about an hour we met up and walked down to Bryant Park where they have ice skating and a Christmas bazaar/holiday market with shops set up. Picked up some pretty cashmere scarves for just $10 and then decided we'd had a great time but that it was time to head home... so we took the subway back to the hotel, picked up the car and by 5pm were on the NJTPK, and back home by 7 - can't beat that!

The timing of everything this weekend seemed so "ordered" - so smooth - the Lord placed some wonderful boundary lines for us and He ordered our steps beautifully. We had such a great time that we hope to make this an annual tradition!

Mascara

2007-11-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

Mascara. Most females over the age of 13 put this on every day. I have had over 25 years experience applying mascara, and I have yet to find a brand that doesn't end up under my eyes, making me look like a raccoon! I have tried waterproof, smudge-proof, high-end brands, drugstore type, black, brown, even clear, those with undercoats or overcoats - but alas, all end up under my eyes.

Sigh.. what's a girl to do? I can't just skip the vital step - I'd feel naked. So each morning I apply the mascara knowing it's going to eventually end up under my eyes.. I have asked Greg to let me know when it's making circles under my eyes, but bless his heart he never seems to notice.. isn't that funny how something so obvious to me (and everyone else!) is not to him - another proof that love is blind!

It makes me wonder what are some things that I do, thoughts I have, habits I live with that are like my mascara - things that I do thinking they are helping, but in reality are just making me look bad and are causing me more work/headache later. In the physical sense I can point to things like chocolate, skipping exercise for sleep, not flossing my teeth (I have a dentist appt on Monday so I've started my "ooh I'd better start flossing now so I don't get in trouble" routine)... but from a spiritual perspective those things are harder to see - the effects or consequences of decisions made today are less obvious, but the outcome can be so much more costly.

So what spiritual-mascara am I applying now that will end up under my eyes later? Pride? Putting on the Sunday morning happy-church face? Reading my Bible "religiously" but not really applying what it says? Busy-ness - keeping my calendar packed with "good" things so I don't have time to invest in relationships?

Hmm... I'd better get my spiritual mirror out and check for those circles!

Land Ho!

2007-11-26T14:47:00.001-05:00

We returned yesterday from our family Caribbean Thanksgiving cruise and it was great! We left out of Baltimore and the setup was great - drive by the trolleys where longshoremen take your luggage out of your car onto the trucks, then park, and get in line with your paperwork... we were on the ship within an hour of arriving in Baltimore - not bad! The other good news was that we all "approved" of this pic they snapped in the waiting area - so that took the pressure off having to get a group shot we all liked.. whew!

Aren't we a cute family with our matching leis on!??! Carrie surprised us all with the leis before our drive down - how fun! Please note - I am standing in the back and leaning forward which is why I appear to be shorter than Carrie (I am NOT shrinking, as she would suggest!).

Here's a brief review of where we went and what we did:

Friday, 11/16 - drove to Baltimore, got on our "home away from home", unpacked and started exploring the ship

Saturday, 11/17 - day at sea, and our first formal night - got all dolled up, Pops was in his tux! :) Was chilly outside, so not a pool day.

Sunday, 11/18 - day at sea - I camped out on a lounge chair on the top deck, listened to my ipod, read my book and got some sun... aaahh.. relaxing!

Monday, 11/19 - San Juan, Puerto Rico - Carrie and I were really bummed to learn that our "Snuba" excursion (like snorkeling but you can swim deeper) was cancelled.. as we didn't like any of the other options, we opted to just go ashore and explore on our own - so Sarah, Carrie and I hopped on a free trolley that took us around Old San Juan - we stopped off at 2 forts and met Mom & Dad at the restaurant Kiril (our waiter from Bulgaria) told us invented the pina coladas.. we tested them and they were GOOD!

Tuesday, 11/20 - St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Island - Sarah, Carrie and I went on a snorkeling excursion to the island of St. John, so we hopped on a boat and in 30 minutes were in beautiful St John - then bussed over to Trunk Bay, the 2nd most beautiful beach in the world (according to whom I can't recall, #1 was in Australia) - saw some cool fish and coral - hope the underwater camera pics come out ok

Wednesday, 11/21 - Dominican Republic - Chrissie, Sarah and I went on a Jeep excursion where we got to drive our own 4-wheel drive Jeep through the mud and dirt roads of the DR - ours was the last in the line of 7 Jeeps - we saw men working on a road, farm animals, learned about Dominican produce (bananas, coffee), hiked to a waterfall, and went to a beach - unfortunately the surf was too rough to swim.. the best part was when we passed the ATV tour group and I hit a puddle that splashed them - how FUN! :)

Thanksgiving Day, 11/22 - Labadee, Haiti - went to Royal Caribbean's private beach - think Disney does a beach. All 7 of us took the tender boat and set up "camp" for the day - Elizabeth really loved playing in the sand - we tried to take her swimming but she wasn't loving that.. came back to the ship, showered and had a lovely turkey dinner that none of us had to cook!

Friday, 11/23 - Chrissie and I got sick this morning, so we call this day "Black Friday", but not for the shopping... we saw on the tv that if we got sick we should go to Medical.. well unbeknownst to us if you have certain symptoms you end up in ISOLATION for 48 hours.. yep... we were confined to our cabin for the duration of the cruise! Big bummer! Elizabeth was moved into Sarah and Carrie's room, the connecting door was locked :( and our isolation began.. they had a special cleaning crew come into our cabin to change the linen and sanitize the room.. kinda made us feel like lepers! Even the room service people delivered our trays wearing gloves, and they weren't allowed in the room.. sigh.. so today was busy getting better and sleeping.. VERY glad we had a balcony!

Saturday, 11/24 - Isolation day #2 - by this time Chrissie and I were feeling much better and were hopeful that because we didn't have any symptoms in the past 24 hours (oddly enough, no symptoms since before going to Medical!) that we could be released.. but no - the CDC was involved (yep, the Centers for Disease Control) - we had to fill out certain forms, so there was no getting out of our "detention".. the positive side of this is that we were able to rest and watch Oceans 13 about 4 times (it kept playing on the cruise tv). When the ship started to turn into the Chesapeake Bay it was cool watching the pilot boat come alongside the ship and drop off the "pilot", the guy who "drives" the ship over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel..

Sunday, 11/25 - arrived back in Baltimore -Chrissie and I were released from isolation and able to mingle with the rest of the cruise folk just in time for breakfast. We were off the ship and in our cars by 9:30am, home by 11am!

When I got home I was sufficiently rested (thanks to the isolation) and full of energy, so I unpacked, did my laundry and started decorating the house for Christmas! By 2pm I was falling asleep on the couch to the classic holiday movie White Christmas.. sigh.. perfection - a Sunday snooze! :)

Last minute details...

2007-11-15T15:20:00.001-05:00

You can really learn a lot about people by watching them deal with stress, or plan for a trip... my friend Laura is amused by the way I HAVE to get on the airplane as soon as I can - I just like to get settled, in my seat and all situated - guess I don't like a lot of surprises... my father, ever the be-prepared navy man, likes to check on things like tire pressure, adequate room in the car for luggage (pre-packing the car the night before is preferred) and the weather.. so he has e-mailed all of us this important bit o' info:

There are no tropical storms in the Atlantic or Caribbean. The forecast on Saturday for San Juan is temps in the mid-80s with a 30% chance of showers. Pretty much the same forecast for St. Thomas on Sunday.

In the WWJD-vein, how did Jesus prepare for trips? Well, before His big trip back Home He had quite a week - the Palm Sunday Triumphal Entry, teaching, and then the Last Supper, and spent His last night praying with His 3 best friends close by (ok, they fell asleep, but they were there).. I'm not seeing where Jesus was worried about packing, or the weather or if the donkey was up for the trip.. what He was interested in was relationships - people... a good reminder to focus on people - they are what's important, they are eternal, they can't be replaced....

but I'm still going to double-check my packing list -I can't calm the seas if it gets bumpy, so being able to pull the windbreaker on will be handy!! (and what's the point of getting all dressed up for formal night if you don't have your sparkley earrings or hair straightener, or should the hair be fluffy with curls?? hmm.. better pack both!)

Bon Voyage!

2007-11-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

Extended family togetherness is on the agenda - my "original" family will be hopping on a cruise ship out of Baltimore on Friday for a Caribbean adventure that will last for 9 nights - we arrive back on Sunday after Thanksgiving...

Mom just sent an e-mail that she has purchased a "Cruise Journal" for us all to write our thoughts in - this is similar to our "Holiday Journal" and "Montauk Journal" that has proved to be a source of a lot of funny "remember when" stories.
When I first signed up for this and thought about sharing a cabin with Chrissie and the baby I was thinking no problem, babies are little.. umm, correction - babies are little, but they come with a LOT of stuff.. last night Chrissie was looking at a schematic of the cabin and trying to figure out where they were going to put the pack-n-play... and Elizabeth gets up EARLY.. but Aunt Jenny likes to sleep in.. uh oh, we could have our first issue! :)

Life Changes!

2007-11-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I was going to start a whole new blog but then the thought of coming up with a catchy title and color theme was overwhelming, so I'm going to just catch up here!

Wow - 2007 has been a year of changes in my family:

My parents relocated from new england to this area - so now the 6 of us live within 15 miles of each other for the first time since we were all under the same roof!

My sister Chrissie brought home her daughter from Guatemala in May, giving my parents their first grandchild, and making her 3 sisters fabulous aunts! (there's a whole 'nother blog about this - see link to the right)

I started dating Greg!

My sister Sarah started dating Mike!

Yep! I have a boyfriend. I almost want to type that sentence again because it's so fun to say. Kinda like that Seinfield episode when Jerry had the fake wife (Courtney Cox) to get a discount on drycleaning - he was telling Kramer it was just so fun to start a sentence with "My wife..".. well Jerry, it's equally wonderful starting a sentence with "My boyfriend...". and it's a fun word to just throw into a conversation.. for a 30-something woman who had pretty much given up on a future of anything other than singleness it is a very great blessing to have this man in my life!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
- Proverbs 13:12

So what's life been like with Greg? In a word - fabulous! My palm pilot now has a calendar, memo and task category of Greg, to record things like dates and trips, cute e-mails and ideas on where to go next. Here are some of the fun things we've done so far:

been to a bunch of museums and gardens - Greg LOVES them - and if you think I'm slow in a museum you ain't seen nuttin' yet! Greg likes to get all the info he can! :)
day trips to Annapolis (actually got to walk thru the house I lived in from 7th to 9th grades! it was empty and unlocked!), Chesapeake City, Avalon (got off the beach literally moments before the downpour started!), New York City (went to see the opera Carmen at Lincoln Center!)
took up cycling! but not with the flashy shirts - we just like riding around on the bikes, looking at pretty houses or parks
taught Greg how to rollerblade.. I won't say it was his favorite thing, but he was a good sport about it!
went canoing
enjoyed the Scottish Games - watched a dog heard sheep - amazing you can train a dog to do that! Greg even found my family tartan - I didn't even know we had one - go figure!
went to a horse show! Greg grew up riding, competing in horse shows and even worked as a cowboy out west one summer - cool guy!
in June we traveled to North Carolina where I met Greg's fabulous mother and spent a lovely weekend in their beautiful town
in July we drove to Va Beach where I got to meet Greg's brother, sister-in-law and nephew. We stopped in Chincoteague for lunch, but didn't see any wild horses...
in August it was a short drive to New Jersey to meet Greg's sister and her husband - they took us to their friend's restaurant that has THE BEST steamed mussels - it was all Greg could do to not pick up the bowl and drink the melted butter/garlic juice.. yum!
in September I took Greg out to experience Montauk - we had a wonderful time - Dad cooked some great meals, we had perfect beach weather and it was fun to introduce him to all the fun traditions of our summer "condo"
in October we completed Greg's "meet my family" tour by flying out to Arizona to meet Greg's other sister and her husband. We had a great time shopping in Mexico (where thankfully the dollar still has some strength!), touring Frank Lloyd Wright's winter place and looking at cactus (or is it cacti?).
in November we're going to NYC for a weekend of Christmas festivities

As you can see it's been quite an exciting ride! :)

Closed doors...

2006-10-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

My TV is dying. It's had a good life. I bought it at a Wal-Mart in Iowa in 1991 for a whopping $327. The great feature of the set was it had a remote! whoo hoo! (remember when that was a big deal!) It's been in 6 or 7 different apartments/homes and has given me hours of entertainment... but now it's too bright - as in no darks or contrasts - all the time. (hmm.. there's a spiritual parallel in there somewhere...)

So I decided I was going to buy a new one. tonite. Went to 3 stores and at 2 of the stores (Circuit City and Sears) no one would help me (and at one store I even requested help and still no one came), and at the 3rd store (Best Buy) my sister had to actually raise her hand and ask for help!! What is it about guys who work in those techie places? It's like it pains them to help out a woman, unless she looks like Jessica Simpson... anyway, I digress..

My friend Laura has all these crazy ideas (one of which took us from a normal Saturday lunch directly to the airport and ended up with us spending that night in Providence, Rhode Island without ANY luggage and trying to return home in time for a Sunday luncheon I was hosting at noon!!!), and one of the ways she can tell if it's her idea or God's leading is to "test" it. On the previously mentioned Providence trip we made up a few parameters - the flight had to be leaving within an hour, had to be less than 2 hours in length, and had to get us back into Philly by 10am the next morning. If any of those parameters hadn't been met we'd chalk it up to a crazy idea and be done with it.. The idea behind this is that if God is leading our way, He wants us to try to open doors, but not knock them down. This also tests our hearts - can we walk away from something... so I was thinking a bit about this as I was going from store to store tonite.. was I hitting closed door after closed door because tonite wasn't the night to buy a new TV, or had I just not hit the right door yet? Once most of the stores had closed and part of me was thinking "hey, isn't Target open til 10?" I realized I didn't want to walk away from this idea.. meaning I was trying to get MY way.. not His.. or at least not now.. sigh.. so I don't have a new TV...

But I know Him well enough to know that when I do get a new TV it will end up being better than the one I would have purchased tonite. Honest. Believe me, I have many visual aids of the "wrong" and "I gotta have it my way NOW" things.

Maybe the TV He has picked out for me comes with a fabulous guy who can share the remote! or who at least delivers and sets it up nicely!

Oops, I did it again...

2006-10-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I overslept. By a lot. Was supposed to be at church at 8:00 for the 8:30 service.. when I awoke the clock read 9:15. Gulp. We had worked on a special piece of music for the prelude. Thankfully I'm just an ornamental instrument, but I feel terrible. Just made it in for 10am Sunday School, where I had to open the class in prayer.

I just hate it when I miss the alarms. I don't even remember that the alarm went off, but I'm sure it did - I remember turning it on last night. And I don't think it was an AM/PM mix-up, but you can be sure I'll check on that tonite, as well as setting a second alarm clock - this one will play music in the bathroom for about an hour before the beeping alarm starts.

"Pride cometh before a fall".. that verse did pop into my head.. I was so excited about wearing those red shoes (I did by the way, and they were fabulous).. perhaps I was too prideful about them and this was the punishment. Does it work like that? Does God punish us that immediately, or did I just oversleep because I went to bed too late? Do I have a wrong view of God that I even ask the question?

I'm not sure. But perhaps tonite I won't fantasize about fabulous shoes until the wee hours...

Happiness is...

2006-10-14T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ah.. the joys of fabulous shoes.. that don't hurt.. and were on sale! aren't these beautiful? I think part of the beauty of these shoes that I bought tonite is the pure unnecessariness of them. No one needs red sling-backs.. especially open-toed in mid-October... but they make me happy.

I attended an ordination service this week and one of the pastors exhorted the new seminary graduate by reminding him to let people be what they are - to let them use and shine in the giftings that they have. His text was the part in 2nd Corinthians where the hand can't say to the feet I don't need you, and the eyes to the liver you're not important... God made each part important, in it's own way. Some are mouths, and they do a great job preaching or singing... some are hands that play piano like nobody's business, or arms that hug when grief overwhelms, or some are knees bent in prayer. God in His amazing creativity created some beautiful things - and in His wisdom He also hid other parts, giving them protection.. and some parts we haven't figured out why He made them.. like the appendix.. or freckles.. or dimples... perhaps those "accessories" just made Him happy.

Since I am made in God's image (as are you!), perhaps that's where I get my love for shoes.. they are accessories that make me happy. They are "unnecessary" flourishes like overpowering fragrance in a rose, or an electric-pink sunset. Pleasant surprises in the midst of everyday essentials.

Now I don't feel quite as superficial planning tomorrow's church outfit around my snappy red sling-backs!

Lump of Coal

2006-10-12T12:24:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I stumbled onto some blogs of 20-something Christians and was blown away by their passion and "on-fire"ness.. I then made the mistake of comparing their lives with my own... gasp...

I discussed this a bit with a friend, and we agreed that part of it is due to the idealism and excitement of youth, but I also realized that in the past few years I have allowed my social circles to shrink so that I'm not in close life-contact with many people... my friend suggested I "go get some new on-fire over-40-year-old friends!"... well, how do you do that when you're not 7? and what does an on-fire 40+ person look like?

I realized I have defined "on-fire" almost exclusively as a missionary, or at least missions-minded... this can lead to shrinking circles of friends as they leave "home" and "go". So about a week after wrestling with this question I went to a coffee for the women in my church and lo and behold, I saw all kinds of "on-fire" women - married women with kids, grandmothers, single women - who lived "normal" lives in the US - and some even had grey hair!

So this 38-year-old lump of coal has realized she has to find some people to be "real" with - people who are "on-fire" and can help keep my own fire for God going... hmm... wonder which aisle of the grocery store I go down for that one?