I read the phrase and something about it just "clicked".
As a numbers-girl words aren't my first love, but there are times when particular collections of words fascinate me... and that's what happened about 10 days ago. I was reading the book of Ezra, and after coming across the phrase 5 times in chapters 7 and 8, I started to take notice. The phrase in the New Living Translation is "the gracious hand of the Lord".
I love the word gracious - it implies a gentleness, kindness and abundance. I started a mental list of the ways the Lord's gracious hand had been upon me in the past few weeks - the bubbling up of hope, the reemergence of my "old self", the Valentine's Day (week!) invitations I received, my boss's encouraging comments and extra time spent with my joyful "sparkly" 2 1/2 year old niece. I really lived this verse:
I felt encouraged because the gracious hand of the Lord my God was on me.
- Ezra 7:28
Then this week happened.
Sunday night my Dad was rushed to the hospital.
While he's had CLL (
Chronic lymphocytic leukemia) for 13.5 years, this past year the disease has become more aggressive (or his immune system has weakened). He had completed 4 of 6 rounds of chemo, but he was having trouble bouncing back - he was just so tired. When the ambulance arrived at my parents' house Dad's blood pressure was very low (80/50), and at the hospital his blood counts were at dangerous levels (no red blood cells, platelet count was 1). My mother and sister Carrie didn't leave the hospital until 5am Monday.
Monday was spent pulling the family together - my sister Chrissie drove to get our grandmother from a town about an hour away. Our sister Sarah flew in from Florida. We visited Dad in the hospital - he was in critical condition in intensive care (ICU).
And so I thought ok, my time of enjoyment of the Lord's graciousness is over...
and yet... it wasn't... the gracious hand of the Lord was evident even in the midst of this scary time... the medics who were so gentle taking Dad out of the house and into the ambulance.. due to calling 911, Dad was admitted more quickly than if we had brought him in ourselves - and he was taken to a different hospital, one that is closer than where he'd been going, and in better condition - and one that wasn't on their insurance but because it was an emergency it was covered - thank you Lord! The Lord even worked thru each of our employers who were flexible and gentle with me and my sisters.
Tuesday we were encouraged - he looked better, his blood pressure had stabilized, his counts were increasing, and they were planning to transfer him from the ICU to the oncology floor. So I went to a friend's "Valentine Girls Night In" party and had a wonderful time. I planned to go back to work on Wednesday.
Wednesday morning there was a call from the hospital at 5am - he had stopped breathing - they had to put him on a ventilator. We rushed over to see him - he wasn't responding - we didn't know if he could hear us, and they had to restrain his arms so he wouldn't pull the breathing tube out - it was heartbreaking. We met with lots of different doctors. Talked to palliative/hospice representatives. Looked over Dad's medical directives (living will). Scary stuff.
and still - the Lord's gracious hand remained upon us.. due to the seriousness of the situation the normal visiting hours didn't apply, so we were all able to be there together... we all had some individual time with Dad - not sure if he heard us but it was precious time.. the doctors who came to talk to us were attentive and spoke in words we could understand, even though they had no explantion for what caused Dad's downturn... one of the pastors from church spent hours with us in the waiting room - praying with and for us and with Dad... friends arrived just to sit with us and play with my niece... our cellphones worked and via texts and facebook we were able to communicate and get out the calls for prayer... and we even had a surprise visit from a pastor in a town about 3 hours away - it had been ~15 years since they lived in that town!
Thursday it appeared that Dad has stabilized - they were weaning him off the ventilator. After visiting him we went back to work. That evening I went to my women's Bible study where I was uplifted, prayed for and encouraged.
At this point we were most concerned about Dad's comfort - we wanted to get him home - to rearrange things at my parents' house to accommodate whatever he'd need, including nurses/medical help at home. The gracious hand of the Lord was gently guiding me thru a process of accepting that Dad might not get better. Had my father died Sunday night I would not have been ready - would have been too much of a shock.. but sitting down with doctors and his living will helped my mind get wrapped around this new concept.
Then the phone rang at 4am Friday - it was my Mom - the hospital had called and Dad's blood pressure was dropping, and if we wanted closure we should come in... so off we went - but when we got to the hospital we were told that he was already gone.
and yet, the Lord continues to be Faithful - His gracious hand is upon us even in our grief... the peace that passes understanding is upon us... we shifted into "task mode" as friends poured in to offer a shoulder to cry on, assistance, food and prayers.... people were contacted, funeral arrangements made, services planned, a remembrance website developed.. hard to believe this all happened today...
In my car on the way to a planning meeting at the funeral home I came across a cassette from 1996 where my father talked to college students about how to live as a Christian in the work world. It was comforting to hear his voice.. and precious to hear him describe his life's verse
Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve... But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
- Joshua 24:15
Yes, the gracious hand of the Lord continues to rest upon me and my family... because of the choice that my Dad made on 2-14-1978 to serve the Lord and accept Him (he liked to say that the Lord gave him a new heart on Valentine's Day!), we have hope that we'll see him again one day.. if not for the Lord, this grief would overwhelm and consume us... if not for the hope that this life is not all there is, how could we go on? But we have hope - so we imagine Dad dancing on the streets of gold - no longer hooked up to any tubes or monitors, no longer hindered by sickness, his booming trademark "Amen!" echoing down the streets, and picturing his delight at enjoying his favorite pastime - surf-casting (salt-water fishing) - and Peter showing him all the best spots..
now heaven seems more real - that much closer and more precious since my beloved "Poppy" is among those living in glory....
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